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17-12-21

casual sex, with me. extremely bad idea. i highly advise against it. i am very addictive person, i get addicted to everything, but sex and specific "people" in particular. i am telling u now, consistent sex w me. it will end very bad. i am so insecure, and i hate myself. i am always depressed and always sad, and i try and conceal my immense hatred for myself by doing the sex. but the post nut clarity just makes everything worse, and i end up hating myself even more when i realise at the end of the day i am still "alone". i am quite ill. very bad. had to stay back with parents.

when i hit rock bottom i just cave in to temptation and go into self destruct mode and want quick serotonin. not good. bad habit. bad for all parties. bad for me and also bad for you. INVOLUNTARY STATE OF INTENSE DESIRE.

distance and aloofness = my tendency to obsess increases

07-12-21

when ur underweight sometimes people LOVE to be like "ur unhealthy" "ew you need to gain some weight" or say whatever critical opinion they have about your arms being sticks or you having a flat ass. but God fucking forgive anyone be critical of someone who is obese. #bodypositivity for everyone but not really

I swear my entire life ive been gaslit being told that having a BMI of 17 is "dangerous and shouldn't be promoted" while there are girls who are BMI well over 30 being told they're healthy at every size #slayqueenbodypositivity like wtf is up with that. why people have to be all like "omg ew you need to put on weight" when ur underweight, but then overweight gals get praised for being so "confident"

how do you all meditate or try and sleep without your brain instantly placing you in a beksinski painting

21-11-21

I appear
then I disappear for like a month
and appear once more
repeat cycle

im at my fucking limit almost my frens

I'm so tired of this honestly. I don't know how I'm supposed to function when I just have no motivation to do anything. everything stresses me out so much where I just can't do anything. nothing works, therapy, meds. just an endless cycle, it's been over 10 years of this. shit gets old real fast. sigh
antipsychotic medication seems suspicious to me like the way it just makes you a zombie and more complacent is just weird got me thinking it's some kind of conspiracy shit but me thinking that has me thinking maybe I need to take my meds

20-11-21

ngl I'm convinced antipsychotic medications are a fucking scam and purposely "zombify" you and remove your critical thinking and ability to ask questions about the world around you
am I losing my shit again or are there reallg psyops happening all around us

at this point I've accepted my fate as a perverted bastard
exposing myself as a futa/girl artist
I just want a pretty girl with a dick and also a dick for myself is that too much to ask for
you can tell I haven't been myself lately because I haven't been unnecessarily posting fetishy nonsense for MONTHS am I ok?
having 100 fetishes of varying questionability is both a blessing and a curse, but if you touch my feet I'm going to cry and call the police

25-10-21

cant trust anyone and i have no close friends anymore
trying so hard to force myself to be happy about gaining weight but also crying inside and unable to wear anything figure hugging in public LMAOO
maybe I'm paranoid but at least I'm getting better now
I accidentally start drinking too quickly after taking benzo and I start talking absolute SHIT
sometimes i just feel so angry for no reason

20-10-21

the temptations of life really get to me I don't know how to deal with anything anymore. why do I have to live like this lmaoooooo I just want to fucking [redacted] already like don't you think it's dumb when you need to keep living like this in so much fucking pain and shit and I hate it and want to die I can't deal with anything anymore. ever get so angry for no reason just angry at life and you just wanna smash ur phone so bad see it shatter into pieces im sick of social media and I'm sick of the news I'm fucking sick of hearing about bullshit politics or virus or whatever the fuck news news news fuck it all I just want to live in the middle of nowhere away from all this noise lmao. I hate going to my fucking doctors man I fucking hate it so much it's like buy one disorder you get 5 more free LMAOOO the older you get you get worse and worse and no matter how hard I try my life falls apart and I. can't keep up with anything I can barely maintain friendships or social life and dating is impossible I can't do this shit anymore man I just wake up and do my stupid drawings on my stupid ipad and then cry and then go the bed feeling like I can never connect to anyone and I listen to stupid elder scrolls lore theories and then that's all I wanna talk about with people like I wish I had some way to further connect with others and be more sociable and likable but everything seems to just be against my natural state of being and I find it hard to get the courage and motivation to go out and talk to people and make friends I get so overwhelmed I just feel horrible and want to go home and I feel really shitty and I'm stupid and I will have only like one person I will obsess over constantly and it's like I get tunnel vision and they're all I can think about its the only thing that goes through my head I don't wanna talk to anyone else but one specific person and I just wish I didn't have to be like this anymore I can't deal with it anymore but what can I do I have to just keep going like on fucking autopilot I can't do this shit fuck this do do do do music goes do do do do do do do do do fucking do and that's all I do rot in my fucking room listening to do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do fuck this fucking bullshit I hate it here

I hate my parents for neglecting me for so long medically emotionally and straight up abandoning me in an apartment when I was only 16 they have the nerve to wonder why I couldn't finish highschool when I was living alone in an apartment in [redacted] and the only time I saw mum she was drunk or screaming at me there was never any food, I would starve alone and never go to school I just watched 2016 era YouTube commentary videos that was my one solace and Stardew valley and Animal crossing I would beg to go and live with my dad but I was never allowed bc my mum wanted the child support payments so she could spend it all on drinks when she was never around I had to console my own grandmother about my own mother when I was 16-17 how embarrassing is that it's the reason why I moved to [redacted] initially my grandparents took care of me because my mum had abandoned me, cheated on my dad but that point I had already dropped out she never spoke to the family or her parents and was so fucked up and now she finally tries to make it up to me by buying me shit and being nice but the damage has been done whenever I remember this I feel so fucked up and I feel sick like my reality is distorted no matter how hard I try I can't forgive my mother but I hide that and pretend like everything is okay just so it's easier I hate being here in her house now I hate remembering how she abandoned me I would be doing drugs in the apartment and drinking and having random people over and she did absolutely nothing about it and never helped me with anything for school and only encouraged those bad habits and she let me throw parties I had so many serious issues socially and mental health ever since I was a kid but my padents didn't "believe" in mental health or autism or anything and they thought it was "all in your head, get over it" so even when I was severely socially anxious and having meltdowns all the time they didn't help me but scolded me for it and would take away my mattress and my DS even when the doctors were telling my mum I was severely depressed/anxious when I was 14 they did absolutely nothing about it and continued to blame me it wasn't until I moved away from them and sought help with my own money and support from my grandparents that I finally had some kind of support net and they finally gave in and admitted they were wrong.

ever feel like u just need to cry into someone for an hour. sometimes u never know what someone been thru even if u think u know them well. its so hard to live with genuine post traumatic stress. I hate people trivializing the term PTSD

19-10-21

a lot of ppl tend to get upset at me when i don't reply or tend to be flighty or don't want to see them as much as they'd like and they just assume I don't like them or don't want to be friends when that isn't the case. trying to explain that like i got some problems they dont rlly seem to understand the weight of it lmao. life being adult is so rough, as ive gotten older I feel like I tend to get worse in some ways i guess ive always been inclined to be quite erratic sometimes (2016 lmaooo) and age 20s I guess is just the time for onset for things to get worse if you're already predisposed.

i hate going to hospital and shit like i really just wish I didn't have to deal with this and it makes it way harder because I have such trouble putting my exact thoughts into words especially irl verbally. it's like they just put u on a bunch of meds and send u off. and it's not just like u can go around and tell everyone oH sorry I missed your birthday I was in HOSPITAL. it makes making new friends extremely hard idk. but idk just gotta stick to it and try and get better even when the odds are stacked against you I guess but I wish more people who don't know me as long as most of u understood a little better I hate feeling like I make people think I dislike them.

i take shit way too seriously and way too emotional about everything lmaooo. I rlly just need to chill out but it can be hard sometimes. always deleting the unnecessarily long rantpost messages to ppl and just trying to move on I guess. i gotta stay with mum in [redacted] bc i just been going thru it and need to just R E L A X
my mental health has been failing me obviously
idk clinic stay for me soon i assume!!! im going MIA for a while see u all when i eventually re-emerge.

anyone else feel like the annoying whole "normalize _______" thing especially in terms of mental health or whatever has just made it worse for you if u tend to be depressive or anxious. it's been like 10+ years, hospital stays, endless years therapy& meds,,, nothing ever gets better for me no matter how hard i try, and now I feel like whenever I try explain to someone why I don't wanna leave the house or I can't do something, the terms depression/anxiety hold no weight anymore and people are just like oh yeah whatever.

really wanting to send unreasonably long messages detailing exactly how I feel about something but remembering people probably don't care so I just delete it
sometimes I really wanting to say something to someone then I type out a massive message and read it and realise I'm being insane and delete it
always having to remind myself that sometimes my thoughts about something are better left unsaid to some people
always having to convince myself sending that 1000 word message is just not worth it
I honestly do not give a single care in the world if liking animal crossing or death note or whatever else makes me cringe or not I will die on this hill.
an obsession with remaining "underground" and making sure you don't publicly like anything "basic" is just as bad as people who mindlessly follow along with on-trend/basic stuff. it's honestly just rude and cringe when you try talk to someone about something you like and they basically just insult you and try and guilt trip you into not liking it anymore because it doesn't fit under their view of what's "cool" or not even when it's completely harmless.it's especially true now being most ppl associate with are in early 20s. ur a grown ass adult, stop this highschool clique nonsense.
ppl who hate on anything that is somewhat popular even if it's objectively good are more cringe than people who like things that are popular

you ever type out that massive message only to be like damn im just schizoposting and delete it

how do I stop obsessively thinking bout someone
im insane and obsessive and overall just horrible
just want him to [redacted] and keep my [redacted] in a freezer
trying to convince myself not to send that
why my brain gotta choose people at random to delusionally obsess over it makes me way too scared to make new friends

17-10-21

I have spent thousands of my own $ and years of my time getting best psychiatrist, psychologist, etc etc I could afford for myself. go to therapy regularly, as I get older things get worse for me. I take all my medication, do stints in hospital, do everything all my Dr's tell me. I can manage symptoms so that I can seem okay for the most part and somewhat function but it doesn't change anything and I still see decline.
I can't take this anymore keeping up the facade is so draining I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I try so hard to be happy and do normal person things and see people but

really i am just an attention whore for validation from weirdly specific people my brain chooses at random
everyone sorry for the erratic posting just going thru it
i want to [redacted]
i feel like i try my hardest
all I do is listen to elder scroll thing and type in my note app
ppl always think i dont like them bc if i don't reply to some of their msgs but no i just dont talk much sometimes idk
me trying to explain to ppl i just prefer to be alone and not talk a lot in msgs a lot and i swear i dont hate them
sometimes I just don't feel like talking to people and instead screaming into the void
always fighting the urge to stop taking all my meds and explode for no reason olanzapine is the sticky tape holding my entire life together rn
never know where the line between being honest and saying too much no one asked for is
I experience normal human emotion
bout given up trying to maintain social life

16-10-21

I am generally schizoid except about a few people who I spoke to all pre 2016 and my brain tend to fixate and refuse to let it go even tho it's been years and it's completely irrational and makes no sense. u r one of those ppl lmao. I need to LET IT GO and stop being a weird and obsessive autist.

10-10-21

interacting with people especially irl is so stressful that I almost always feel a vague sense of panic/anxiety when trying to talk to others. but even online, having to deal w a moderate community of a few thousand active followers was way too much for me. I really don't understand how people WANT a lot of friends/a big following. I just wanna lock myself away forever. but can't be an internet basement dweller, gotta keep my mind occupied. I'm so sorry if I am bad at replying.
if I'm being honest my friends I really just want to lock myself away forever. my tendency is to have times where I just don't wanna leave my house at all for like over a month but I gotta make a conscious effort to not do that.

I feel quite lonely and yet I tend to just lock myself away for weeks on end. I tend to just want to lock myself away and not talk to anyone for long ass periods of time but I really make an effort to not be like that, but damn it IS HARD SOMETIMES

07-10-21

people always asking me "why are you awake" when I reply late. I never use the term insomnia or even say I have problems sleeping when ppl ask even tho im medicated as chronic insomniac bc it's so cringe when people brag about how late they stay up one night watching Netflix
like no I've been awake for 3 days and now Im embarrassing myself by deliriously messaging a 300 word essay on self love to everyone in my inbox

anyone else with long term diagnosed chronic mental illness(es) think the whole "normalize talking about mental illness" thing has only made things worse for you and feel less like talking about anything ?????????????????? terms get run into the fucking ground or appropriated by annoying people on twitter and tiktok lmfao

words like "anxiety" have absolutely no meaning anymore yes im gatekeeping this particular issue what about it people ask me "why are you awake" late hours of the night can't say shit bc at this point insomnia is a cringe term people overuse and it means nothing I can't function without sleeping meds

I'm gonna rantpost here none of u care but I'm so sick of people running terms (esp medical) into the fucking ground so they end up having no meaning whatsoever and actual moderate-severe cases of it are trivialized or lumped in with cringey people on TikTok trying to be quirky or some shit .
I HAVE NOT BEEN PAYING PSYCHIATRIST FOR MULTIPLE YEARS TO AID ANXIETY AND INSOMNIA AND EVERYTHING ELSE ONLY FOR WEIRD PEOPLE ON TIKTOK TO MAKE IT A WEIRD TREND/ACCESSORY BECAUSE YOU EXPERIENCE NERVOUSNESS AND TYPICAL TRAITS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD everything I deal w ruin my entire fucking life, I can't go to school, I can't even work a "normal job". both a psychiatrist and psychologist have deemed me unable to work up to 15 hours a week-------- it's so fucking annoying because I feel like I have now way to properly communicate to people severity of things I feel and experience

05-10-21

always fighting the antisocial schizoid tendencies truth be told im too insecure half the time to leave the house
im too hot to have antisocial schizoid tendencies

30-09-21

if a big group of people ask me a question I don't have a preplanned response for I will cry
i avoid being in public eye and much as possible
some of you exist so publicly both irl and online and i really wonder how you do it like do you not feel like crying every time a big group of ppl look at you

28-09-21

I find anxiety gets the best of me, when there are things I want to do sometimes I'm so nervous I cant bring myself to do it. I feel constant "what if" or "if only". I do try my hardest to feel better, to be better. I have a tendency to stir around in my head and let every little thing ge to me. but I do try and be happy, sometimes I just feel so alone. not physically but overall, I can't help but feel like I'm in my own world and it's impossible to break through to others. all i really want is to feel understood, and that's hard having to occasionally put my whole life on pause for hospital admissions. but eventually things go back to normal and I learn to live with it. learn to live with myself is all I can ask of myself.

25-09-21

how do people really interact with others while sober are you all faking it
i am so mentally unwell
life so boring when im not fixated on one specific person for no reason smallest thing happens then it sets me off back on my disordered shit wanting to do things but insecurity got the best of me
i always been eating wrong
i hate when ppl try to romance me out of nowhere like ew at this stage im just trying to exist peacefully
i wish i just had depression it sounds cute compared to whatever the fuck is wrong with me
why bipolar ppl always up in my shit i can barely deal w myself
some people are too positive but I can talk im way too negative all the time
"whats ur type" – literally any adult i feel like shares my internal pain
ppl love advocating for mental health publicly on their social but u tell them how u rlly feel and they call the police and say ur a problematic and toxic person
i fucking hate everything
what is my purpose if not to obsess
im too hot to be this much of a depressed misanthrope

20-09-21

my mum hated my cringey weeb ass child self and would always say stuff like "why can't you be like [redacted]" so one day I just started copying [redacted] from her mannerisms, clothes, speech. then went to [redacted] as a fake clone LMAO I would tell people I had no idea what Skyrim was can you imagine
its hard to describe but I feel like my "neutral" self is blank or devoid of any personality and it's why I find it so difficult to form deep connections with other people beyond common interests.
what you all don't know is that my mum really TAUGHT ME how to "act" around people, and I don't mean manners, I mean she taught me how to fake an entire personality and use alcohol as a coping mechanism for not be

15-09-21

everyone's always like damn stop rant posting to ne and I'm like damn i forgot boundaries exist haha sorry

11-09-21

i just miss the feeling of hug

08-09-21

people ask me why i never show anyone my actual work, its bc we have gone full circle with censorship and moral outrage over art in all creative spaces, also in music and film. people dont seem to realise when they are trying to take down artists and remove their work/deplatform monetization in the name of "morality/justice", theyre doing the exact same thing as religious conservatives and theyve essentially regressed lmao its so ironic. let me a degerenate in peace honestly, i really dont care if you think fringe is immoral, or should be banned, you dont have to like it, you can be offended, its art. its not for you so just move on with your life instead of trying to destroy peoples careers/lives because itll earn you some brownie points from cucks.

ive tried so hard to be cool about it for years and tolerate people taking the moral highground but im over it tbh, my avenues for monetization are essentially fucked, in less than 5 years time it will be completely inaccessable for me to make a living because of these people. the only reason ive managed to avoid most critisism is bc im a woman myself, men in my position cop it harder. i know most of you secretly agree with me especially those of u in creative areas but most people dont say shit, alter their work and creative persona bc they want the bag at the end of the day. and if you think im making a big deal over nothing, im not. i saw firsthand my ex's 100kUSD+ cashflow disappear overnight without any warning for doing the same type of work

for as long as I can remember my mum always told me the importance of people liking me, and told me that "everyone puts on an act so people like them" and insisted it was normal I "perform" social interaction. imagine my surprise when i found out that's it's entirely abnormal and there are people who genuinely like talking to strangers. (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)

when i was younger like 8-10 or something I was severely socially anxious, and I constantly told mum I never knew what to say. she told me that "it's normal and no one likes those small talk conversations" then told me exactly how to act and what to say and told me to fake being "nice". imagine my surprise when 10 years later I find out it's not normal to "perform" conversation with people . she still wont admit there's anything wrong with her.
(༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ) (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)

tell ppl i got anxiety they like "yeah same lots of ppl do" and im like nah i got really bad anxiety and they like "its fine i have a little anxiety too" and im like no you really dont understand

07-09-21

can't lie my friends im at fucking breaking. years of therapy, psychiatrist, etc etc etc. spent thousands of my own $ over the years getting the best private health I could afford for myself and I just get worse. stuck out w it for so long, tried to just smile thru it all but i just can't fucking do it anymore. every time I been to hospital I just feel worse than when I went in th only difference is I had time to lie my way out

the fact I can be on combo of lorezepam, olanzapine, melatonin + beta blockers,,,,,, and STILL not be able to sleep after 24+ hours, sometimes two days even without add meds. man I juet feel like fucking giving up at this point, I can't remember anything, I can't get anything done. been insomniac for years and just gets worse everything is getting worse. what am I supposed to do, I go to therapy often, psychiatrist, take my meds and nothing ever gets better. hospital never helps either, just makes me feel worse. i feel so bad emotionally i feel physically nauseous. for everything i feel inside theres no way i can describe it.

i dont remember anything bc i disassociate my way through my entire life. at this point im just waiting for my next breakdown and its repeat cycle all over again. I feel completely detached from my body and I always have, like a stranger in my own skin. for 10 years now I wake up feeling like there's a void where my soul should be. everything I do is performative, everything. I'm never happy, I'm never okay. I just get up and disassociate every day and I never remember anything. I completely neglect all my responsibilities.

bad thing happens in real world
time to enter elder scroll universe
real life doesn't exist

31-08-21

you ever just be chilling then wanna slam your head against a wall. i live a life of constant emotional distress. i try so hard to be a happy person but no matter how hard the discomfort I have with my being itself never leaves. i feel like im not really Alive or i was never meant to be. i feel like a stranger in my own room and my own body. i have been feeling like there's a void inside of me for almost 10 years now. years of therapy with no end in sight. nothing ever changes.

when I was a teenager everyone thought I was going thru a "phase" and they just brushed off all my serious problems, now as the years come I almost get worse. the older you get there's more responsibility you need to have and things you need to do, no matter how hard I try I can't do anything consistently. the more and more things have me feeling more and more run down. I don't understand how there are some things which are so easy to others I find impossible. I've had my Ls since I could get them and after years of trying to drive I can't do it. I shut down completely and freak out and cry. I can't even keep a part time job, the stress of it effects me so much to the point I end up in hospital. I disassociate entirely, go completely mute, won't talk to anyone or get out of bed.

for so long I always thought I just had really bad anxiety, since 2015 I've been to multiple docs and had multiple medications, I was always waiting on the "when my anxiety is better I can finally ___". now it's really starting to hit me that I'm never going to get over it and there are things I can't do. it took like a year of my docs telling I might have cognitive issues and I always fought them on it and didn't agree, until they said I really needed to get my cognitive stuff tested and parents input and stuff. I still haven't even come to terms w my diagnosis. I'm classified as a dependent adult and I'm getting pension. they all tell me I need to come to grips with the fact there are some things I can't do.

I just laugh about it and treat it as a joke but I feel like all the hope I had for my future is gone. I hate it so much. I don't want to have to rely on others to help me do something so simple like washing my clothes or even eating properly. I just want to live my life like I see everyone else too. but every time I tried to move out and take more responsibility I completely shut down and turn into an absolute wreck. watching everyone else live their lives seemingly effortlessly, just kills me inside. I wish I could just do things like everyone else and be happy. I try and try, been to therapy for years, I've put my 100% into it and I go nowhere. I'm sick of going to hospital, I can barely remember doing anything at all because I disassociate so much. I am miserable.

I'm so fucking done man I swear if I have to go to hospital one more time I'm gonna fucking snap. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore, I'm so dysfunctional all my docs been writing up for disability pension which im getting soon but it's fucked. like yay I'm so useless I can't do fuckig anything. I can't finish a course, I couldn't finish highschool, I can't keep a job, I can't drive. at this point I'm just a waste of air.

28-08-21

how are all u ppl living your life and stuff i cant even get out of bed. i am so fully of insecurity right now i cannot be around anyone.
i would like to see people more irl but tbh it just stresses me out way too much its impossible for me to maintain a friendship. at this point ive accepted my fate
ok maybe im withering away in my room alone bc im so insecure i cant be around anyone sober for more than 5 minutes but at least im making serious art gain

25-08-21

you ever say some shit you dont even mean and wonder why you even said it in the first place. im full of shit 90% of the time. i forget to take my meds one time and then i start going on an unsolicited bullshit tangent to anyone in my inbox. always fighting the urge to say some incendiary shit just to piss people off. maybe ill just give in and live a life of sin forever.

i am extremely mentally unstable right now but i am avoiding hospital at all costs. please ignore psychotic ramblings

21-08-21

deteriorating mental health has me fucked up. when I was a teenager I was told it was passing and id stabilise as an adult but I'm worse now. my patience with the world is waning. im on a list.

all these different meds + effort I put into being a better person and hobbies/skills, I feel like i just go in circles of feeling good and then back to absolute shit. repeat cycle. no end in sight it seems. more time passes the more jaded I feel about everything. how are you supposed to go and talk to people and be happy when you've lived this constant state for years and years.
people thinking that your matters are trivial and comparable to feeling a little sad, or the type of anxiety you feel before a class presentation. the only time I ever feel normal is when I'm so starved and deficient of nutrients that my brain barely has enough power to process emotion.

trying to tell anyone about support I need they think I just have a little nervousness or something. I'm sick of going to the hospital, I've been doing this for years and i just go in circles. so many medications I can barely remember anything I do in my day. what kind of life even is this. no matter what I do I feel trapped in an endless cycle.
being unable to express how I really feel about anything has me feeling so alone. you tell someone you have anxiety they think you get a little nervous sometimes and brush it off bc "a lot of people have anxiety". I can't leave my house, sleep, or eat without medication and even then sometimes I cant do those things.

08-08-21

I feel like I try my hardest to make new friends and meaningful connections with others, but I feel so alone. always the one who is just left out I guess. it's been this way my entire life. my inability to connect with other people makes me feel so detached from the world around me.

07-07-21

the truth is I'm a nihilistic shithead and I spend most of my time alone haha

01-07-21

rant about bethesda for absolutely no reason please dm me if you want to help me fuel my rage::::
skyrim is like my favourite game and coming on 10 years there is still no TESVI????
the fact I first played oblivion and skyrim as a literal CHILD and now im an adult and there's no TESVI like wtf. Bethesda is the biggest disappointment ever, FO4 was shallow and I got bored of it after finishing the main quest, FO76 is just sad. at this point im honestly not even excited for TESVI, more like dreading it because i feel like its never going to meet the same standards of the three predecessors. like every game since morrowind was watered down on the rpg aspects, Skyrim especially even tho it's still awesome.
ngl todd howard is such a sly piece of shit releasing FO76 in the state it was then laughing about it and the bugs when it was essentially unplayable and basically irrelevant now.

23-06-21

sorry
not possible
brain on some other sh
schizophreniaaaaa and I have schizphreniaaaa multiple personalityyy disorder bipolar

stupid bitch
only good for sex

17-06-21

edgy idiot personality disorder decided i feel nothing but desire for hate sex
solitary confinement

08-06-21

do you feel like you actually know who i am as a person. i have no idea who i am ngl. i feel like my whole being is a blank slate which takes on identity as needed. constant feeling of displacement and not knowing who my real friends are or what my personality actually is. i am not a good person either. i am selfish and i project all my insecurity onto others. you are correct in your decision. i dont even know who i am myself let alone expect anyone else to know who i am.

07-06-21

I have no idea who I am. I have never had a solid friend group I've felt apart of 100%. I always feel like the outsider. I tend to end up in a group of inbetweeners.I don't really know how to make friends being myself, the only way I can make new friends is by acting to be similar. but I hate doing that. id rather be alone than act, but I don't want to be alone.

there are like 100 different versions of thought in my head all going at the same time so I end up being ambivalent or not knowing how I really feel about something. I can never articulate how I really feel or what I want to say, because I don't even know sometimes. I am either over trusting or too guarded, never a good balance, always one extreme or the other.

02-06-21

you you never talk about what happens in your head are you able to can you ever articulate what you really feel inside your conscious. i cant even when I do talk a little bit it is only a small fraction of my actual thought being able to articulate especially in voice its impossible. they say tell us what is actually wrong what is going on in head like I don't know what is wrong I don't know how to answer but not giving an answer always makes it worse doesn't it

do you have times where you can't articulate what is wrong with you and everyone starts surrounding you questioning what is wrong you need to tell us what's going on in your head. then you feel much worse you can't understand a single voice which voice is happening around me which is just my brain who is talking to me and you just want to shatter your phone into pieces

01-06-21

you know those paranoid thoughts, you get about everything, that voice telling you everything you don't want to hear, telling you everyone hates you and this person doesn't like you or this person is going to leave you. when those paranoid thoughts you learn to ignore every once in a while are true, it just sends me spiralling and I have no idea what to do.n

you know, when they never shut up and you can't hear any of your thoughts. all saying conflicting things to you, constantly, over and over

you know those paranoid thoughts
where no matter what, you hear;
they hate you
they're lying
they're laughing at you
they don't even like you
this is a big joke to them
they don't like the way you look
they're faking
they're lying
they're lying
they're lying
they're going to hurt you
they're lying

how do you explain how your brain thinks and your thoughts to people, or do you find it as impossible as I do.

you know sometimes it's like there's multiple different versions of my conscious thought, that are all saying different things at the same time. it's like they're all shouting over each other to gain control, it's like constant violently jarring mood swings or change of opinion or thought.
I can never decide if I look good, too skinny, too fat, too pale, not pale enough.
I can never decide do I feel okay right now, I don't feel okay, I feel relieved, I feel distress, I feel anger, I feel sad. like it's all at once, sometimes I can't hear what happens in my head, sometimes it's so hard to deal with it's unbearable.
when someone asks you to explain how you feel and I have no idea what to say, I don't even know myself.
a part of me wants to be happy and live my life free of worry, to do things you enjoy and enjoy your time alone, that everything is going to be okay, that you have friends and people who care about you, that this person doesn't hate you, etc.
but then it's like those devils on your shoulder start shouting over that, making demands, telling you the harsh reality, telling you that everyone hates you, those people are making fun of you, that person hates you, this person is a liar, it makes you want to scream and smash your phone, or tell someone you hate them.

it's like a constant struggle between good and bad, sometimes it's like you just can't control it. you don't want to die, but you have this nagging, intrusive, shouting voice in your head that's telling you to take the knife, to jump off this ledge in front of everyone, to steal your grandparents pain killers and take all of them with alcohol, to just do it, just do it, just do it. everyone hates you, you have no place in this world just do it.

you're too skinny
you look like a skeleton, disgusting
look at that fat on your thigh though, ew
you eat too much kfc
you don't eat enough
you don't even fit into any of your clothes anymore, you're disgustingly underweight
you look so good, look how small your waist is
you would eat chocolate again, fatass
god just eat something already, you're all skin and bones
your waist is disturbingly small
you don't even fit into any of your clothes anymore, you're so skinny now, like a supermodel
you look amazing, cute and sexy
you look disgusting, who would ever want to see you naked

25-05-21

I don't know my brain is fucked hey
it's just broken

09-01-21

I had multiple friends who didn't have a dad and would always make jokes about their dad walking out or being in prison and it was always so fucking akward bc you didn't know if it was appropriate to laugh or not. it's so weird how everyone lies to each other acting like they've never laughed at an offensive joke ever in their life even though we all know the entire school was quoting idubbbz and filthy frank in year 10.
it's so obvious no one even gives a fuck about how they said the nword on their YouTube channel back in 2016. they don't fucking care that they said it, they only care that people are mad at them RIGHT NOW.
expecting everyone you ever meet to have the exact same opinions, ideas, and values as you is fucking delusional. I'm sick of pretending like context in language just isn't a thing anymore.

18-02-20

trying to understand my anxiety and depression : an insight into how my mind works sometimes

like its obvious i struggle with these things. ive told many people over the years. its something i deal with a lot. most of the time what people see is surface level, and even then, they cant handle it. its too much stress for them to deal with. people always say they want to help, they always ask you to open up to them, until you do, and the realisation of what that entails confronts them and they realise they arent actually cut out to help at all. i dont blame people for doing this though, it happens every single time, without fail. they always promise theyll always be there but theyre ignorant to how it really is. they have good intentions and want to help, but people need to put themselves first. and thats good they can do that.

i used to open up more to people i trusted. every time without fail, they gave up. a while ago i came to the realistion that i cant expect anything from anyone and im really in this myself. i never open up fully anymore. if i did, it would end up like the other times. im fully aware i cant unload my issues on a normal person trying to coexist with me. sometimes its frustrating though. i wish some people knew what exactly i felt, the true pain i can feel at times where i should feel happy. i am happy a lot now, this is true. im no where near as bad as i used to be. but even in my highest of highs, that dark smoke is still lingering around, i can feel it in my lungs, it blurs my vision ever so slightly. im used to it now though, i can learn to be happy while its there. i can coexist and enjoy my life. but it doesnt stop that smoke from occasionally getting in the way and getting thicker.

its easier to keep this to myself, you know? im not stressing anyone out, but when i keep it to myself too much, it can work me up and i act like a dickhead. when i act like that, what i portray isnt even a fraction of how i feel. sometimes i feel so bad its like im choking, like an invisible force is trying to shrink wrap my soul. sometimes the mental pain i feel is so prevalent i feel physcially ill, i feel as if im dying, its an unexaplianable pain and feeling of misplacement and unbelonging. like existing there is wrong, i shouldnt be there, everything about my existance feels so wrong, and i need to correct it, i need to get away, i need to escape. i know those feelings arent real though. i know its a nasty concoction of a chemical imbalance and trauma, tricking me into believing that.

sometimes i feel guilty. that in some times i should feel happy and content, but i dont. i feel ungreatful and like a waste of opportunity and space. years of this feeling gets old though. it all gets old. it all becomes routine. you learn the psychology, the behaviours, the thought patterns, you know how to artifically force them to surpress. yet the self awareness is bittersweet. you still have those feelings, even when you know, even when you do everything right. even when you try your hardest. so you learn to coexist. you learn to overcome. you learn to accept the inevitable times where these feelings take over and theres nothing you can do anymore. but you always eventually get over it, you know you will, you just wait, it hurts, but you know it gets better. you live through the cycle to enjoy things, enjoy life as close to a happy person as possible.

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