i found peace on: 02-05-23
2nd may 2023...
all these signs i wait for, im waiting for nothing really. nothing exists, the signs are just things i want, its not like id recognise anything else. i have signs. multiple. telling me exactly how it is, and i just cant accept it. its like i will look for anything and everything i possibly can to confirm what i want to see and what i want to hear. i can barely deal with reality. i no longer know whats true, i dont know whats going on. ive been this way for many many weeks but i still just deal with it, waiting for a sign of what the truth is. theyre already here looking me right in the face, there is little ambiguity i suppose, i can never see it that way. why does everything have to have 100 different meanings, i cant take anything at face value, i see hidden messages in everything. its fine though. ive accepted it.
this world isnt built for women like me, for some reason they hate girls like me. when i was young people used to get angry at me for fixing their computers and technical problems, as if it was something bad. i tried doing nice things for people and everyone rejected me for it. i was quiet and sat there drawing and making websites and everyone rejected me for it, they acted like i was doing something so bad. no one ever included me, i always felt felt out, of everything i ever did. and i dont know why. people told me i never speak but i would say thingsa and it was like no one would hear me. people always tell me to eat more but being around people and they order in some food its like everyone forgets im there and forget to let me know theyre even getting food. none for me. my parents abandoned me, i dont know how to make human connections with people like ive always wanted. a void inside of me always, a yearning. ive come to accept it for the most part. i dont know whether to laugh or cry. im doing both. im not entirely sure whats going on, i feel scared, and serene. i yearn for home, a solace
im okay, i feel calm, serene. ive been floating around all day. im going to watch my favourite movie ever, 2001: a space odyssey. beautiful masterpiece of a film. its been a good past few days, despite all ive been going through. movies like this and american beauty get me in some kind of way man. i feel great even, i cant wait to watch it, have some ice cream, pet my cat. i have my diffuser and soft blankets and candles. i feel so comfy, this is close to what i yearn for.
going to put on some peaceful music and rest, when i can. carry me home.
im actually feeling really good today. a little shaky because im not hopping up on benzos.
i love taking a huge dump, sounds like a shitpost (lol) i know, but im being half serious. expelling all that waste is so cleansing. i feel so pure and light. i want to rid every piece of my body and soul full of waste until nothing is left but my clean, pretty, porcelain bones. at least the waste was the product of my indulgences.
yesterday i ate some sushi, pizza, garlic bread, ice-cream cones, chocolate. today i ate some toast with blackberry jam, chocolate, ham sammich and choc milk. Been watching my fav shows (death note and bojack) and listening to some of my fav music.
my whole life ive always waited for a sign. but i never knew what, or who from, or where. for all i know it could have happened. i dont even know what it is, but its like ive always been waiting for something at least. like there was something everyone else gets that i dont and i just need to wait for it, it will come. sometimes so insignificant, but one of "those moments" people talk about. a moment of connection maybe, to everyone, to earth, to animals, to space-time, to anything. i have never been religious, and all my life i have waited. i still do, even now. i wait, i think maybe just maybe this sign or this moment will come to me and will happen to me right now, how would i ever know? but inside i know ill never get that sign, i dont even know what im looking for and i never have, and i search. i yearn perpetually. home? thats the only thing that comes to my mind. peace. comfort, community, home. i dont know what im looking for, even still. even knowing these are the vague things i yearn for constantly i feel nothing but lost. i never stop waiting for it though. never. im always waiting for it.
it seems like no one else really needs to search for anything, like its intrinsic. going sober and seeing how many people turn to religion and can only cope with relgiion, i know they all yearn for home too. i could never really buy into religion though. not to be all le epic reddit atheist but its so illogical, i could never believe in any type of religion such as that. i really think in my search for the same thing religion provides for those who yearn for a familiar home theyve never known, i delude myself into believing all of these things that are illogical and based outside of reality, just to keep me happy and sane enough that i think i have found it. but its not real. i dont believe any religion is real, i dont know what is real or not anymore either. i think i just yearn, perpetually. and i will continue waiting for a sign. anything. im waiting for it.
goblin mode continues. i feel like complete shit. its terrible how i can relax and chill and eat my fav foods and do my fav things and all it does is make me physically ill and sluggish. im only happy and alert when im in an untold amount of pain. but i thought i deserved a fucking break at least a brief one. watching stupid sad talking horse show again. and rewatching my favourite youtubers and vids from the early 10s. the last remnants of good times i hold to so tight. i feel calm though, for the most part. i be sleeping. indulging in fantasy. or else i will go crazy. if only i could live in the harsh and arguably apocalyptic hellscape of mundus. life is too easy, people like me are born and we live when we shouldn't have. feel so wrong. an abomination.
i was looking at (literally) thousands of archived notes fromm various notes apps and files saved throughout many years and saved a few select. its been very eye opening, and a little bit... im not sure. i dont have the right word for it. the emotion it makes me feel is indescribable. you can read some select picks on the relics page.i have a few more to add. i read through thousands and saved a couple hundred of note. not all will be posted.
one foot stuck in a tar pit of my ways
looking back its weird how little ive changed. i can change my habits and how i process everything but nothing ever changes. someone told me that once, i hadnt changed, i dont change. they were right.
going goblin mode. full hedonism mode, without substances. but my god am i binging on sweets and bubble tea and fucking up my clit beyond life. im letting myself enjoy my life for a bit. letting it all go, just have some enjoyment at least. you know. vibrator going crazy. feel oddly calm. still feel all weird and fucked up. reading kobo abe. i dont know why i feel calm now. maybe i feel like i can see the end to this trauma soon, and ill get over it. i can only hope. caught the train to go and see my good family member and eating junk and petting my cat pretending like nothing else in my life exists. i want to go fishing. theres a whole bunch of fishing stuff here but i cant drive so thats a huge L.
honestly my thoughts are so disturbed, and so clear. it makes me oddly calm at times until it seems to boil over and explode all at once. i try to find any escape, i think its the vibrator flooding my brain with happy chemicals so i dont have to think too much about how the bad things are fucking me up when i can give temporary happiness on demand. kind of cruel, no? its the best thing i can do while i wait for my psychiatrist. i dont know if i ever want to go back though.
cant lie, ive been scheming, for some time. many many many months. fulfilling my suspicious little duties, it's special. and classified. ill probably talk more about it over the coming days on here but thats it, so far its been between me and my demons. its nothing bad, i just always have my schemes. i scheme all the time. ive had years long strats that i schemed and they worked flawlessly and not a soul knows about it, its pretty fucked up cant lie. my mother taught me to be this way, i love role playing games like morrowind because of it. i scheme and plan my entire character arc just like i do irl.
i am absolutely not doing fucking better. i dont think i can take being around humanity again. its giving me brain damage. i cant do it. feeling this way is monstrous. im delusional and i cant accept reality, i cant accept i cant finish my course, i cant accept i can never live around others. i always feel like an outsider, perpetually. it makes me so confused, i want to scream. its not depression i feel, or anxiety. its pain, awful awful awful terrible fucking pain and suffering on some emo shit as always. everyone left, i have no one. i have nothing anymore. i was in the best state of my life. sober, not doing destructive things, i was doing good habits, i was being nice and friendly and supportive of others. and everyone left. it was like the minute i was on my own, and actually started doing well, suddenly everyone left. friends ive had for many years, it seemed like they were just fabricating miniscule reasons to leave. i dont know what happened. i was doing so well. now im all alone. im just grasping at straws, i dont want to be alone anymore, ive always been alone. no one has ever cared for me. i was so afraid of being alone i used to let people use me for sex, i stopped doing that a fair few years ago (with strangers) but now i no longer do it at all, when i realise i take away the promise of sex, and i try to form some connections based in humanity, there is nothing. im invisible. i dont exist. no one cares. i remember its always been like this. i remember why i let people use me for sex to begin with. i thought after a few years id find my people. id find the one, someone who cared for me and loved me truly. not because they were just horny. its been years and i havent even come close, not even once. not even a friend.
i keep asking for help. begging. im screaming for help. everyone i can think of. im telling people i need help and i need someone to fucking help me right now i am on my last legs, please fucking help. anyone, please. and no one does. no one has a reason to. they think its someone elses problem that there is someone else who would obviously care more about me. they all think that. no one cares. no one ever has. i went to the hospital and i asked to speak to the mental health team. i waited for 10+ hours. no one came. no one spoke to me, they kept forgetting about me, they didnt know what to do. i hadnt even spoken to anyone or said anything, i was calm and they just tried to throw me into long term stay even though i had said and done nothing. i just wanted to speak to the mental health team, thats it. and they tried to throw me in there like garbage. it was almost instinctual. they didnt even try to help, i hadnt seen a doctor or anyone at all and i was sitting there patiently and calm for many hours. and they tried to lock me away, for what.
screaming and crying. nah im doing better actually. i think my brain damage has settled down a bit but i really need to catch up on my study or im gonna have some serious problems ouchy. blah blah blah something about abandonment issues and autism not being glamourous like how idiots on tiktok make it out to be or something along those lines. i dont want to do my study right now i want to play minecraft really badly but i cant i know i have to do stupid shit instead but its not stupid i enjoy science it can just be very difficult when youve been recovering from seizure clusters right. always spaced out a bit, hard to focus properly. i need to also go to the shops and refill my prescription which ran out which i really dont want to do because its cold and windy and rainy. i love this weather because no one can blame you for spending all day inside hehe. my [redacted] goes down all the time but never fucking asks me if i need anything picked up. swear that kid isnt all there in the head, moreso than me.
47 days sober. this shit is so hard, but its almost 50, one of the best numbers. i know i can make it to 50, not very long. i can do ittttt. but damn do i feel like a fucking loser, its hard being sober. i wish i could just have a good time like everyone else without accidentally having a few nights where its like i ruin my entire life because i was feeling particularly fucked up and destructive and masochistic, all i can do now is put large bad dragon dildos up my ass like a degenerate, but at least that method of degeneracy isnt like fucking up everyone elses life and causing untold collateral damage. 50 will be the longest which is crazy to think about, now i dont have my psychotic bitch of a mother around. she would always ignore me wanting to go sober and buy entire bottles for me to drink with her on week nights because shes an alcoholic herself. she taught me to use alcohol to escape facing yourself and the messes you make. ignorance is bliss. any time i would bring up any kind of issue i was having at all she would shut it down and tell me to drink up. makes me hate alcohol so much. that bitch tried to kill me and starve me, she rejected me since birth. she went delusional and thought i was her sister or friend and has never since called me her daughter in a genuine manner, she scares the shit out of me. im glad i never have to see her again. at least now i have my own life, thats the one thing that keeps me through all of this, knowing i can control my own life and i never have to see her again.
i had to tell my flatmates about my issues because i can tell theyre all worried and a bit wigged out by it, people often think im being rude to them on purpose and avoiding them and being a weird cunt but really im just trying to keep my distance to avoid being an even weirder cunt. but boiling point, i had to tell them. i fucking hate telling people about my shit, i hate telling people im disabled. it makes them treat you differently, they start treating you like a child. i wish i was self-sufficient and didnt need anyone to know anything but sometimes in a situation like this it cant be avoided, especially when i start to worry theyll get freaked out if i start having a full blown meltdown. ive been getting better, in the depths of it i can barely tell anything is wrong thats the problem hahaha.
cruel existence. i try to be happy and positive and nice to be around. most people can not really tell much is wrong, if i really try. its some kind of sick joke how you are screaming for help and yet its like the only thing you can do is smile and laugh and tell jokes with people you know will never care much for you. cant just go around making my problems everyone elses goddamn problem though can i? i narrowly avoided prison the other day, i needed some kind of intervention between seeing my psychiatrist next week as i was losing it and i dont want to fail at my studies. the whole thing thats triggering me, im trapped in. its out of my control, there is nothing i can do to stop it, so i needed some kind of help asap. go in to a place, they fuck me around for 8-9 hours straight and i didnt get to actually speak to anyone at all in that whole time and a revolving door of nurses came around, none of which told me when i could speak to an interim psych. too late rolled around, round 11-12pm, they start escorting me somewhere "just somewhere to sleep until tomorrow" and i was like oh hellllllll no, no. im going home. not this shit again. i had done nothing at all, they had no legal right to throw me in there. so they let me go. still, what a fucking stitchup. so much for helping people in crisis, they give up before they even try, and just throw you into the system. all i was there for was to chat to a team about some meds or help with a plan to last until next week to see my private doctor, i was not threatening myself or anyone else, i was calm. god i am never setting foot in any kind of public system ever again. i didnt know what else to do, my [redacted] who was supposed to help me with stuff like this had completely abandoned me, he's my neighbour and its like i dont even exist. he hadnt seen me in multiple weeks. i dont have many friends. the ones i do have, this isnt their problem. i tried to handle it myself. thank fuck i could get myself out of it while i could. i wanted to scream and cry and i was so scared i wouldnt be able to leave but i knew i had to keep my cool and manipulate my way out of it.
lowest weight i have ever been. dont even realise. i dont measure or weigh myself, and i dont even have a full body mirror. food makes me feel sick, it has nothing to do with with my physical appearance, but i feel like i dont deserve it. being around others... in the real world. you start to feel as if you dont even deserve food. like its not for you. people want to leave disabled people to die in the woods. animal smell is beyond philosophy. people think it matters we have all these abstractions to keep us in line, it doesnt change a thing. no one invites me to eat with them, no one offers me food, people go for food and dont ask me, they order some and dont ask if i wanted some. its small behaviours like this that add up, its like i only feel comfortable eating alone in my room when no one can see because its like they seem disgusted with me when i do eat. i love eating food with people. no one asks me though.
i think my problem is i need to cum or something. ive been avoiding it because i hate pornography it makes me all fucked up and lazy, but i guess i dont need pornography. i ordered some stuff online, just for myself this time. its like i need to tear my asshole apart because im masochistic in the truest sense. if i dont do something like that i will start taking out all of this shit on other people or fucking up with my study and neglecting my responsibilities. i miss my bad dragon. anyone else get fucking weird sexual compulsions lmfao. ive always had problems with this and even as an adult. i mean when i was a teenager it was absolutely fucked and i couldnt control it at all, at least i can somewhat control it now. still problematic for me though. at least im a woman. i want my vibrator to come in the damn mail already please please please i need it before i explode lmfao down i am so pathetic whatever at least im a woman.
i dont have many friends and this is stuff i wouldnt really tell anyone, yet i need to tell someone, anyone, at all... so for the lurkers it is. i dont want a response, telling others feels like im trying to farm attention or trying to be edgy, when really i dont want anyone to know anything about me. i am edgy and cringe, i pretend like im not. i dont use social media. i dont want to be seen. having edge and cringe be seen makes me want to shrivel up and crawl into a hole and never come out of it, how embarassing. i cant go around telling people im losing my fucking mind can i? like yeah hey everyone, im having frontal lobe seizures and seeing flashing rainbow lights and repeating the same song for 8 days straight. i already have a mental health team and private doctors i pay thousands. and i dont need people irl to know about that. not necessarily keeping this or my identity a huge secret but im certainly not telling people it exists. not for now at least, and if someone connects the dots thats on them. its not impossible to figure out thats for sure. i guess i do want to be seen, i wish someone i knew could see me for all that i am, but i can never seem to tell anyone.
unironically autistic, pretend like im not. i have this problem where i fixate on people, its unsettling and weird, and i hate it. not in a cute crazy girl way either, but in a scary and weird and offputting way. tunnel vision, there are certain interests ive developed during my adolescence and childhood that have stuck with me for life, unfortunately another individual human was one of them. i wish this just wasnt the case, i feel it makes me delusional. things around me can trigger it too. unrelated, but then drags it all back. having to force another loop is the only way i can deal with it. i want to scream and commit nefarious acts (im a comedian) when i see #mentalhealthawareness types cry about how their doctors assure them absolutely nothing is wrong with them and they do not have audhd just because they experience social anxiety. if you had these problems youd know you dont fucking want them. if only i had a gp who assured me a visit to a psychiatrist was unnecessary! you spend so many years being churned through the system. be happy they said youre fine, go home.
lost my shit like a complete retard these past few weeks and contacted some people some malarkey. i always hate the things i say and always regret everything i ever say or do. idk why i even do the the things i do half of the time. its like i try so hard to control it but i sometimes just slip up. i feel abandoned and i always have, you instinctively start making a ruckus to the very few people you think care about you or you care about yourself, i dont want to be left alone to die in the woods. something like that. thinking about my issues lately scrambles my brain. i dont even know if my recollection of events is correct or not. i think i may be truly retarded and delusional. i cant talk about it with others because i know how fucking insane it is and i know it scrambles everyone elses brain in the process. for what times i do outburst it seems like a lot and very destructive to others and theyre not wrong. fucked up thing is that its only tip of the ice berg and no one knows how bad it really can be. two years ago i spent some time in a ward and a nurse from then i saw yesterday remembered everything about me, she told me she had never seen someone who really never asked for something unless i absolutely needed it. idk how to feel about that though, i suppose its true for everyone else. i never ask anything from anyone but then its like i ask way too much of only a certain few people who have been stuck in my head for an unreasonable length of time. i only ever want things from them, it cant be anybody else. why do i have to be this way? i cant communicate about how i feel about anything or the truth in any direct way, it has to be in some weird indirect way and then it bottles up and explodes as word vomit and insanity like here right now.
i know some shit has gone seriously wrong when i start remembering elfen lied. who on earth let me watch that when i was a kid? the neurological damage is insurmountable. they wanna put me on the olanzapine again but im not taking stuff again. yesterday i was so confused, i had no idea what i was doing. i lost my keys. i dont know what is real, i still dont. i want to scream and smash a glass bottle into my face and peel my skin off strip by strip (im a comedian). i feel all wrong, nothing is right. i dont even care anymore who cares what is real or not, doesnt change the trajectory.
having worst migraines, frontal lobe seizures, aura, deja vu, confusion, metallic tastes. i can feel my braincells dying. getting caught in a loop over and over and over. ive never had auditory hallucinations before but ive had visual distortions my whole life, theyve been getting worse though. i have never "seen things" that were not there though, just some fancy overlay effects. i guess i cant complain. gonna lose my shit any day though, i hope not. what else can i do but update this site, the code editing with a visual result is repetitive enough to keep me occupied without losing my mind.
i am angry and confused. teenage angst does not exist for me because i am not a teenager. i was just an elfen lied female child i guess. unsupervised access to the internet and its consequences. im being triggered by something and its unreasonable, and there is not much i can do about it. the more i try to deal with it the worse it seems to get and i feel trapped because of life obligations, but its temporary so hopefully ill get over it and no longer have to spend all night making a stupid html css site like this and i can be functional once more.
need to start journalling this might as well do it publicly without a face. this is all i ever was, am, will be.
living around average people i never realised how unhinged and messed up my entire life has been. no wonder none of my drs have no idea what theyre supposed to really do. what the fuck kind of problems are these, really? it makes no sense. no one knows what im talking about when i tell them details they think ive gone insane. why did they never send me to some kind of proper specialist as a kid? they just churned me through required counsellor sessions and so forth but then adamant everything was okay? it was not okay? what kind of little girl watches violent and disturbing anime and thinks its sad and not scary or whatever, i had not even been through puberty. like oh who cares i mean its a girl not like shes gonna do anything bad right? little girls dont do stuff like that ha ha ha.
just remembered how my mother went crazy and tried to murder me and im misogynistic because of it. not really but also kind of i mean im problematic against my own will im a woman myself
mfw i always thought i ate too much junk and had a fast metabolism because my mother would always say that to me and i move out with people and they keep freaking out like omg you’re going to die you don’t eat anything ever we are going to notify an ambulance or something soon and I’m like wtf are you talking about ive always eaten this way and i eat like junk and they’re like are you serious you barely eat a meal a day how have you even lived this long and im like wait what like my nan always said the same thing but i was like lol it’s just my nan being my nan you know but then i remember all those times my mother tried to kill me and told me i was an abomination and my existence gave her mental illness and this is why im misogynistic and all fucked up in the head and I forgot about it
this is the day i snap truly
i love cinema! :D
my whole family is hating on my so bad right now bc i cut off my insane and abusive mother and its impossible for people to really understand the magnitude of the situation. they all think im overreacting, but they will never understand. it had to be done. she triggers the fuck out of me.
>goes sober
>drinks battery acid(monster energy)
waste waste waste waste waste
